I've just come from one of the hardest times of my life, and I've had a major breakthrough. When I was balling my eyes out and telling myself there could be nothing worse, I called Pam. Then I called Christina. Within a half hour they were here. (Sorry Mara I would have called you but you don't have means of transportation and as i reached for the phone my parents said "okay okay lara you've got 2 already...calm down") They talked me out of the state I was in, got me to eat, even got me to laugh harder than I have in 3 months. I realized that for the last three months I have been living in a bubble. This bubble included me, Bill, and his friends. I regressed into my freshman self, doing things like being jealous of Crystal, trying to fight for something that wasn't worth it in the first place- but Pam and Christina have finally made me realize that that's not who I am. Tonight they told me just how relieved they are that i've finally snapped out of it- because they saw the Lara they knew for the first time in 3 months tonight. And no amount of money could ever make me want to go back where I was before. I realized just how stupid I was being. I've never let myself be this worked up about something as stupid as a guy before- and I really realized how unnecessarily weak I was being. And you know what the best part about this realization i had was? What a fucking big mistake he's making by letting me go. Can't help ya there. I devoted myself to helping him, and I forgot to look out for myself. I realize now that I am worth working for, and if that isn't realized, it's not me who's got the problem. Ha, the best part is i'm not angry. I'm just glad i realize all this now. I was about to go on moping and weeping and hoping that I still had a chance, but to here from my friends that they saw me come back for the first time tonight...I don't want what I had before! It was fun while it lasted, but it's gone and i'm glad. I didn't realize what a fool i was being. And dude, i'm not trying to hurt you if you're reading this (i doubt you are)...but i'm so relieved to finally see this! I was so blind! I can't believe I did half the stuff I did. I was so desperate to keep you needing me, that I didn't notice that I wasn't having fun myself. Now I know who my real friends are- the ones who saw me through this. Oddly enough some of them were freshman too. Heather, thank you so much for being there, you really helped me through this! Linda, you're still the best. Hankie, I don't give you enough credit, I'm sorry that I made all my true friends take a back seat while I chased after something that I see now was foolish and not worth it. Dena, Mehrnoush- I can't believe you guys put up with all my bullshit but i thank you so much for it. Natalie, Ranwa, Ruchita, Ersin, I just realized how many friends i do have, who appreciate me for who i am! I'm free now! This feeling is like nothing I've ever had before. I had been so twisted around one thing, it was almost obsession. I bent over backward, changed my schedule, changed my life- and for what?! I don't even know any more. Obviously it wasn't worth my time. I'm a senior. I'm graduating. And I've got college men to worry about. I'm through crying, I'm through being sad, because that's not helping me any. I'm going out shopping, I'm going to the gym, and in a month or so I'm hitting the beach. Nick Boedecker I almost forgot you. You have been a wonderful help as well! MADDIE MIKE MEL MIKE! You made me realize that I can actually expect friends to care about MY needs as well as theres! Where would I be? Julia, Anika, I can't even think of all the people. BEN EVANS you are my hero. Emily you are the most mature freshman I know! I don't know how you all deal with me, but the feeling that I get when I realize that you all actually care about my feelings as well as your own, I'm in safe hands. I haven't felt that for 3 months. I've been fending for myself AND another at the same time. Now I'm lookin out for numero uno, i'll tell ya what. Sorry babe, you've just lost someone who would have done anything for you- but I'm glad because I would have regretted it if i did. I don't regret any of what happened between us, but I would have regretted anything more. And I've realized just how much Nettie Fowler knew what she was talking about.
When you walk through a storm, keep your head up high,
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm is a golden sky,
and the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain,
though your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on walk on with hope in your heart, and you'll never walk alone.
You'll never walk alone.

To all of my friends, I owe everything I am to you. Without you i'd be nothing. And thanks to you, I'm something that can overcome bullshit like this. THANK YOU