Goddammit stupid seniordome with nothing to do. Shit. This is annoying. I mean, I was out all yesterday, at Carly's house then Mehrnoush's. Had rehearsal for the recital twice- but that's still not enough for me. Need to be doing more. More more more. This morning I woke up and thought that everything that has gone on since friday was a bad dream...that was a really nice 5 minutes. I can't say that i'm not sad about it, because I am. I think about it way too much. And talking about it helps a lot but i don't know if I believe what i'm saying! Sometimes i do. Everything in the last entry still rings true for me tho, don't worry i'm not going back on my word. It's just I have this weakness about me. When I'm close to someone, and when I've opened my heart to them, I can't ever close it. Well, that's not true i'm sure that if the guy tried to kill me or something i'd be more than happy to take out a restraining order, but in moderation I can't close off past feelings. Because I find that love (don't FREAK OUT anyone, i'm just using the two extremes- love hate okay? I don't mean ANYTHING literally) is a much stronger emotion than hate and if I try to hate someone the love just comes over it and makes me feel like a dork trying to fool myself. Even when Alex Dudley treated me like shit I forgave him in the end, because I used to be friends with him. I can't just set aside all those hilarious things we had between eachother- like the Loomis chair and the "cave" and all that shit. We were good friends! So if i can't stay mad at Alex Dudley, how the hell am i supposed to stay even slightly put off at bill. I know i'm in a dangerous situation. I know that because he's already beat me down more than once and i just turn the other cheek.I can't fight back because i don't want him hurt. What if he honestly isn't hurt by this! But i don't trust him to tell me the truth about that. God i just wish i could have done everything again. Start with Friday, just start over. I never dreamed it would do so much damage. Actually, i wouldn't wanna start at Friday. I would wanna have the whole thing go through, realize all the shit I realized with Pam and Christina, and THEN go back, taking the realizations with me. I'm so sorry that I ditched everyone for him, I really am. And it would never happen again. But the feeling I had this morning was the best i've felt in about a week, and just to realize that it wasn't a dream broke me. Bill, if you're reading this- do something really REALLY horrible to me so I can just hate you or something. No, god i don't think even that would work. This isn't Lara being weak, this is Lara being honest with herself and other people. I'm a bleeding heart, and i can't do anything about it. sorry yall. I still love my friends tho thanks so much for being there for me!

-Lara

PS- Mehrnoush and Lauren, yall two are the best! Remember target? A BUCKET of goldfish...."ahHAH". "Sorry I'm closed."