Alright, the first rant i've had on here for a while. Today was actually an okay day, except for tonight. And i don't know why it got so bad. Maybe the whole friday the 13th bit. But i'm seriously about to shoot someone. Okay, trust? Yea, to all of you reading this, i DON'T wanna hear shit from you that you don't believe. If you don't think i'm a good person, DON'T tell me that I am. If you don't think i'm pretty DON'T tell me i'm hot. I just can't stand when people tell me what they think I want to hear. Because what the HELL does that help?! Nothing. It only makes me break down at some point and not be able to really trust anyone because for all I know EVERYONE'S just telling me what I want to hear. So Dena's father was giving me a ride home tonight, and we started talking about roommates for college. From there I was like "man, I'd rip the head off my roommate if she was a musical theatre major, I just really don't mesh well with people like me..." so we started talking about what exactly "people like me" meant. Okay, so, I'm a huge diva, that pushes things way too much, and I have a huge mouth. I fight constantly, I'm extremely competitive (and not the GOOD kind of competitive) and yes, of course, I'm dillusional as well. So I hear this from a certain group of people- and i'm not mad! honestly! I mean it was kind of a wakeup call. But then I get home and I realize that all my other friends are like "lara you're the best blah blah blah you're so great we're gonna miss you so much." Okay, so wtf?! WHO'S LYING. You know, this is horribly out of line, and I said I wasn't gonna do this, and I know this might just make everything stupid again but I miss Bill because he always told me the truth. I could TRUST him. Okay that's all I'm going to say about bill. I don't have many people that I can actually trust fully. I'm sure i'm just paranoid and that it's me not the world that's gone insane, but GODDAMMIT. And I don't know what I want. Honestly, i don't. Because I talk to people about this- look, i'm writing it on my journal. But I'm not doing it for attention! it won't help me in the least for people to comment saying that they think i'm a lovely person or whatever, because i know people will think of that- but i don't think you guys really mean it. I mean, take a second, think, do you REALLY think i'm a good person? okay, if you still do, i don't know what's wrong with you. I'm pretty fucked up and mean. And I push things too much. And I can never leave things alone. And yes, I have a HUGE fucking ego that a duck could feel from a mile away. Anything else wrong with me that I forgot? Please leave a comment. I'm going to cry. Why do I feel so helpless? I wanna just run into a corner and disappear. gone, poof. And of course Christina is leaving tomorrow morning for beach week so I can't talk to her at all about this. What is wrong with me? Why am I so paranoid? Why am I writing this for everyone to read? I'm sure you think it's for attention. It's not for attention. Well, maybe subconciously it is, but conciously i'm NOt doing it for attention. I don't want attention. I want everyone to tell me the truth. The truth. Maybe leave an anonymous comment, i don't know if you can do that. If you think I'm a horrible person, then tell me. I really really need to know. Then maybe I can trust the people who actually think i'm a good person. I just need to type, to write. I feel fat. And my stomach hurts. And I feel unworthy and unloved, and doesn't this happen to me monthly? Hah, and NO it's not related to that other monthly thing, sorry- that would be a rather nice excuse however. Maybe it's stress. I do have a flute recital coming up. And father's day. And I want my car back. And i don't wanna die in the Matrix. And I don't wanna spend any more money. And i don't wanna do anything but just lay. I just want to stay in one place. But what would i do there? nothing. I'm in a corner i'm stuck. I'm paralized I can't get out. I've reached a peak here. I used to be able to distract myself from this void and nothingness feeling by going out with people, by spending money. I'm tired of that now, it doesn't work anymore. I just don't wanna do anything any more. i don't wanna exert any more energy for anything. And thank you to all my friends out there who actually care about me and soforth...but i don't know how you deal with me! I'm an ugly paranoid diva piece of shit. And that's really what I believe. Or do I believe that? That's what I feel like right now. Is anyone ACTUALLY continuing to read this?! See that's how fickle people are. I bet you they see that this is a really long entry, so they skip over it. I do it too. Do I expect any more out of people? of course I don't. But then i want to expect more out of myself than out of other people. Why the hell is this world so fucking confusing? i feel like i'm going around in circles. And it's not my fault, IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!! I can't HELP THIS. Obviously if I could help it i wouldn't be IN IT. I want to sit. And lay down. And sleep. For maybe a day or so. But I can't. Too much to do. Get present for grandmother get present for father drive death car around and try not to stall out in the middle of the intersection go to flute recital go to gym so i actually WEAR the two piece I got although i'll probly chicken out anyway and not wear it because i'm too fat for the damn thing and do something for my mother which i don't even know and send out thank you cards and send off pictures to be developed and scan thing for Janese and don't forget to take food for her and make sure the car gets to Chip's and pack for camping and- oh my GOD can things just STOP FOR A SECOND. And on top of ALL this I still deal with the fact that someone who was once as close as Christina and Pam to me is not talking to me for some unknown reason. Okay maybe you understand a LITTLE more as to why i'm going fucking NUTS here. I'm stopping. I'm going to bed. Good night. God i'm going to cry