Went to the gym this morning! Found out that my scale is actually 4 pounds heavy- so i'm not 150 i'm 146. It's crazy! I guess that's a good thing tho. Recital tomorrow. Party tonight. I'm so worn out from everything that's been going on, what with family and graduation and recital and all that stuff. After Monday, everything just drops. I don't know what i'm going to do with myself! haha. I've been getting some awesome ass presants for graduation. I've got a suitcase, makeup/shower bags, thermal socks, cool ass hat, DOWN scarf!!! (it's REALLY awesome, it's waterproof too). A tool kit for my dorm too. And money out the wazzoo. Did i tell you my parents are giving me 2000 for the summer?! To spend in it's entirety in 2 MONTHS. That's gonna burn a big ass hole in my pocket. And the graduation money is comin in. I've got more than a thousand already. And mind you, this does not go towards tuition, this goes towards clothes for school, and going out to eat at Ithaca, and stuff like that. Had a nice talk with Kelly last night. She's really awesome. And a lot like me actually. She does the whole "look after other people before you do youself" bit. I warned her!! But she's amazingly mature, and giving, and she's the best. Okay, well, my aunt is here from Michigan (just got here this morning) so i'm gonna go entertain her. I'll see most of you at my recital tomorrow! If you're reading this and you weren't invited, i made a mistake...it is quite possible that i forgot to invite someone and for that i am really sorry- just IM me or leave a comment or email me or something and i'll give you the information! okay i'll write more later, or maybe tomorrow.

-Lara

1776 was....meh. It was okay. Hard Rock dinner was alright too except for the whole not being able to eat much thing. I got through half my chicken sandwhich...although Hankie and Dena were willing to finish it for me while George worked on my fries- I guess it worked out well for everyone ;). I read this book when I got home called "A Short Guide to a Happy Life." My step-uncle and his wife got it for me for Christmas but i just got it 2 days ago. It's really nice. Let me give you a little quote from it that really stood out to me. (and it's on page 23, my lucky number- cool huh?) "All of us want to do well. But if we do not do good, too, then doing well will never be enough." Think about that. That's what I live my life for. This is a great book. Here, here's another quote that I especially like. And it deserves a whole line to itself....
"I learned to live many years ago. Something really bad happened to me, something that changed my life in ways that, if I had had a choice, it would never have been changed at all. And what I learned from it is what, today, sometimes seems to be the hardest lesson of all. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that this is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get."

really makes you think doesn't it? Everything in life happens for a reason. Sometimes those reasons are not seen...even after months or years...sometimes they're never seen. But they're there. Kind of like this story that Merlyn told King Arthur in "Once and Future King." (if you don't mind me getting all philosophical on you...)

2 people (i don't remember exactly who they were, they were religious people tho, and magic one's too...) were on a journey, and they needed a place to stay. One night they come across a poor family who's only livelyhood was this cow that they owned. That night these poor people gave up their bed for the two men and gave them the only milk they had harvested that day. The day after the two men left, their cow died. The next town the men rode into was a rich one, and they asked to spend the night at a rich man's house. He let them sleep out in the shed but would give them no food and was rather rude to them the entire time. The next morning one of the two men gave money to a man to patch up the rich man's wall because it was crumbling. The less talented (in magic and philosophy and such) of the two men was VERY confused. He said to the wise man, "Those people didn't deserve to have their cow die! And that rich man definitely did not deserve to have his wall fixed after the way he treated us! What GIVES?!" (actually i don't think he said it quite like that, this is paraphrased remember). The wise man then explained. "Well, in actuality the poor man's wife was to die that night, but instead because of their kindness the cow was taken. And under that wall lies a treasure- now the rich man will never find it."

So take things in life as they come, because there's always a reason, no matter how buried it may turn out to be.

Ah yes, and in 1776 there was a lady who was in the original cast of Thoroughly Modern Millie on broadway. I was quite impressed.

Agh! My recital's in 2 days. This is crazy. and my appetite is coming back! also a good thing. I've been able to down a whole half a sub today. Amaaaaazing. Christina came over this morning and fell asleep on my new couch. I wrote a 2 page message in her yearbook as did she for me. I'm really gonna miss her a lot. But not over the summer! We gonna be tight yo. I think we might take dance classes together. I went to recital rehearsal...now if i can just remember the WORDS to the songs i'll be good. Never fear I have another day....hehehe. Going to see 1776 tonight with the Italy group. Dena and I are going shopping next week because my parents are giving me 2000 dollars as a graduation present, and I feel like blowing it on clothes! And I'm gonna go to build-a-bear and get a bear to take to college with me. I'll name it Rockville or something, so that when I see it i'll remember all of my great friends here! If you've got any better suggestions please leave a comment. And let me know if you have any preferences as to the wish/heart/how many hearts I should put in it. And should I give it a sound? I don't think I wanna do that. I don't know what kind i'm going to get either- if you've got any ideas run them past me. Or how I should dress it- that too. Leave comments! I love when people leave comments! AND you can leave comments saying how absolutely wonderful you think i am.... ; ). Anyways, can't wait to see 1776 tonight, got my new contacts so I can actually see things. What a wonderful thing sight is! And Heather....warning labels....hahaha. I won't say any more. Oh, my horoscope for today says I have to "pay my bills." hahaha. Ersin? hmmmm. I'll probly write more tonight after the show. Oh and Crystal i'm not trying to avoid you! My dad was on the phone long distance last night (as i hope Heather told you) and i'll be at a show tonight- but we'll talk soon. I do wanna get some things worked out. Okay, love you all

-Lara

OMG Senior Picnic was sooooo much fun! Graduation rehearsal was tedious but I get to graduate next to Barry Culleen and Hank Dryden. Good stuff! I took like 20 pictures at Senior Picnic because the people are just fabulous. We got the yearbooks today! They are so awesome! Picture of Boedecker and I in the center of the drama page! (I heard Cathy made sure it didn't take a backseat...thanks cathy love you!!!) There's so much of me in the yearbook it's great! And everyone says I look really old in my senior picture. You know who's REALLY hot in the yearbook this year? Ersin, Barry Culleen and Mike Barnwell. I'm sure there are lots of other hot people but those just stood out to me. And Stevie Miller has a gorgeous picture too. And CATHY MURPHIE looks amazing! It's a good yearbook. I need to get all my underclassmen to sign it, make sure to stop me if you see me. So Graduation on Monday. Gee Willikers. That's some ka-razy stuff right there. Mehrnoush lemmee just say I love you, you're the best. And Josh Robinson I'm going to miss you SO MUCH! Dena you and I need to keep doin stuff over the summer, I've got PLENTY of time. Ersin, you are the funniest and weirdest kid I know. And you make my day so much better all the time. I don't know what i'm going to do without you. Ranwa you're the best too! There are just too many of you guys. I love my friends. I love them so much, you make me feel so good about myself. Hank Dryden I love your message in my yearbook...yes...we have been through some odd times. Alex Ostell, yes, I agree. Freshman. Hmph. ;) Speaking of freshman, Heather you rock so much! I'm glad I got to see you today. Make sure I see you again before I go off to college yes? Good stuff good stuff. Emily we STILL need to go out, i'm waiting for that Thai food. Okay that's all for now, the Senior Picture is really good, I really like the fact that the wind is blowing my hair and it looks like a beauty shot or something. Today I just realized how much fun i'm going to have over the summer. CLASS OF '03 BABY YEAAAAAAAAAA!!!

-Lara

Mehrnoush- *tear....anime tear....tear*

I don't know why i'm doing it this way, but- bill, if you want help with the comments thing on your blog i know how to do it, but i'm not gonna email you because i don't think you want me to. If no one else helps you I don't mind at all, your choice. SENIOR GRAD. REHEARSAL AND PICNIC TODAY. Ugh

I actually ate tonight! It's not sitting too well, but be proud! Went to Seven Seas and had vegetable dumplings. They are SO GOOD. AND, my fortune cookie said "Good luck will come your way soon" or something to that affect. Good stuff. And Nick Boedecker you dog you! Tryin to set me up- you're a cutie tho. Thanks for the effort! And Ersin doen't think i'm romantic. I don't know why he started talking about it...but...i'm romantic! honest to god! And that's all I have to say because i'm in a bad mood now. Fuck fuck fuck. Hmph.

yes it worked!!! Look at that! COMMENTS!!!!

still trying to get comments on here- let's see if it worked

"When I Look At You" from the Scarlet Pimpernel~ "Oh you were once that someone who I followed like a star. Now suddenly you've changed, and now I don't know who you are. Or could it be, that I never even knew you from the start. Did I create dream? Was he a fantasy? Even a memory is paradise for all the fools like me.
Now- remembering is all that I can do.
Because I miss him so, when I look at you.

How the hell am I gonna get through this song at my recital? I've already had to take one piece out. Jesus.

Goddammit stupid seniordome with nothing to do. Shit. This is annoying. I mean, I was out all yesterday, at Carly's house then Mehrnoush's. Had rehearsal for the recital twice- but that's still not enough for me. Need to be doing more. More more more. This morning I woke up and thought that everything that has gone on since friday was a bad dream...that was a really nice 5 minutes. I can't say that i'm not sad about it, because I am. I think about it way too much. And talking about it helps a lot but i don't know if I believe what i'm saying! Sometimes i do. Everything in the last entry still rings true for me tho, don't worry i'm not going back on my word. It's just I have this weakness about me. When I'm close to someone, and when I've opened my heart to them, I can't ever close it. Well, that's not true i'm sure that if the guy tried to kill me or something i'd be more than happy to take out a restraining order, but in moderation I can't close off past feelings. Because I find that love (don't FREAK OUT anyone, i'm just using the two extremes- love hate okay? I don't mean ANYTHING literally) is a much stronger emotion than hate and if I try to hate someone the love just comes over it and makes me feel like a dork trying to fool myself. Even when Alex Dudley treated me like shit I forgave him in the end, because I used to be friends with him. I can't just set aside all those hilarious things we had between eachother- like the Loomis chair and the "cave" and all that shit. We were good friends! So if i can't stay mad at Alex Dudley, how the hell am i supposed to stay even slightly put off at bill. I know i'm in a dangerous situation. I know that because he's already beat me down more than once and i just turn the other cheek.I can't fight back because i don't want him hurt. What if he honestly isn't hurt by this! But i don't trust him to tell me the truth about that. God i just wish i could have done everything again. Start with Friday, just start over. I never dreamed it would do so much damage. Actually, i wouldn't wanna start at Friday. I would wanna have the whole thing go through, realize all the shit I realized with Pam and Christina, and THEN go back, taking the realizations with me. I'm so sorry that I ditched everyone for him, I really am. And it would never happen again. But the feeling I had this morning was the best i've felt in about a week, and just to realize that it wasn't a dream broke me. Bill, if you're reading this- do something really REALLY horrible to me so I can just hate you or something. No, god i don't think even that would work. This isn't Lara being weak, this is Lara being honest with herself and other people. I'm a bleeding heart, and i can't do anything about it. sorry yall. I still love my friends tho thanks so much for being there for me!

-Lara

PS- Mehrnoush and Lauren, yall two are the best! Remember target? A BUCKET of goldfish...."ahHAH". "Sorry I'm closed."

I've just come from one of the hardest times of my life, and I've had a major breakthrough. When I was balling my eyes out and telling myself there could be nothing worse, I called Pam. Then I called Christina. Within a half hour they were here. (Sorry Mara I would have called you but you don't have means of transportation and as i reached for the phone my parents said "okay okay lara you've got 2 already...calm down") They talked me out of the state I was in, got me to eat, even got me to laugh harder than I have in 3 months. I realized that for the last three months I have been living in a bubble. This bubble included me, Bill, and his friends. I regressed into my freshman self, doing things like being jealous of Crystal, trying to fight for something that wasn't worth it in the first place- but Pam and Christina have finally made me realize that that's not who I am. Tonight they told me just how relieved they are that i've finally snapped out of it- because they saw the Lara they knew for the first time in 3 months tonight. And no amount of money could ever make me want to go back where I was before. I realized just how stupid I was being. I've never let myself be this worked up about something as stupid as a guy before- and I really realized how unnecessarily weak I was being. And you know what the best part about this realization i had was? What a fucking big mistake he's making by letting me go. Can't help ya there. I devoted myself to helping him, and I forgot to look out for myself. I realize now that I am worth working for, and if that isn't realized, it's not me who's got the problem. Ha, the best part is i'm not angry. I'm just glad i realize all this now. I was about to go on moping and weeping and hoping that I still had a chance, but to here from my friends that they saw me come back for the first time tonight...I don't want what I had before! It was fun while it lasted, but it's gone and i'm glad. I didn't realize what a fool i was being. And dude, i'm not trying to hurt you if you're reading this (i doubt you are)...but i'm so relieved to finally see this! I was so blind! I can't believe I did half the stuff I did. I was so desperate to keep you needing me, that I didn't notice that I wasn't having fun myself. Now I know who my real friends are- the ones who saw me through this. Oddly enough some of them were freshman too. Heather, thank you so much for being there, you really helped me through this! Linda, you're still the best. Hankie, I don't give you enough credit, I'm sorry that I made all my true friends take a back seat while I chased after something that I see now was foolish and not worth it. Dena, Mehrnoush- I can't believe you guys put up with all my bullshit but i thank you so much for it. Natalie, Ranwa, Ruchita, Ersin, I just realized how many friends i do have, who appreciate me for who i am! I'm free now! This feeling is like nothing I've ever had before. I had been so twisted around one thing, it was almost obsession. I bent over backward, changed my schedule, changed my life- and for what?! I don't even know any more. Obviously it wasn't worth my time. I'm a senior. I'm graduating. And I've got college men to worry about. I'm through crying, I'm through being sad, because that's not helping me any. I'm going out shopping, I'm going to the gym, and in a month or so I'm hitting the beach. Nick Boedecker I almost forgot you. You have been a wonderful help as well! MADDIE MIKE MEL MIKE! You made me realize that I can actually expect friends to care about MY needs as well as theres! Where would I be? Julia, Anika, I can't even think of all the people. BEN EVANS you are my hero. Emily you are the most mature freshman I know! I don't know how you all deal with me, but the feeling that I get when I realize that you all actually care about my feelings as well as your own, I'm in safe hands. I haven't felt that for 3 months. I've been fending for myself AND another at the same time. Now I'm lookin out for numero uno, i'll tell ya what. Sorry babe, you've just lost someone who would have done anything for you- but I'm glad because I would have regretted it if i did. I don't regret any of what happened between us, but I would have regretted anything more. And I've realized just how much Nettie Fowler knew what she was talking about.
When you walk through a storm, keep your head up high,
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm is a golden sky,
and the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain,
though your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on walk on with hope in your heart, and you'll never walk alone.
You'll never walk alone.

To all of my friends, I owe everything I am to you. Without you i'd be nothing. And thanks to you, I'm something that can overcome bullshit like this. THANK YOU

yar. Sorry that was a random tribute to Natalie.

Take these chances
Place them in a box until a quieter time
Lights down, you up and die

yea, i dunno either.

If I, should stay, I would only be in your way. So I'll go, but I know, I'll think of you, every step of, the way.