Okay guys Im better than last night. A lot better, don't worry. I got to flute rehearsal and they made fun of me- I went to the bathroom and cried (they didn't know about that part) but it really made me feel better about everything. Maybe they noticed how much they (meaning my father and flute teacher) were getting to me cuz they stopped. Yea I walk in and suddenly Mrs. Sampson is telling me how I have a huge attitude and that I should realize that this was going to be like the rest of my life. My father then blamed me for forgetting her check, even though when I tried to put the check in this bag we were taking to Janese's my dad wouldn't let me. So yea, I got lots of shit for stuff that I wasn't even doing- the attitude thing was because this other kid had shown up at the same time as me because his mother apparently forgot that they had scheduled for 10 not 11, and when Mrs. Sampson told the kid she had even called his house to see where he was he snapped back "you've got my mom's CELL phone number too." So of course I guess BOTH of us had to have attitudes because he was being a jackass. When I actually started playing the flute it was better, and after we had finished going over the piece Mrs. Sampson and I had a nice long talk about everything that happened yesterday and she made me feel a lot better about it. Yay for flute teacher/therapist! So then I went to the gym and did an extra good workout for the beach on Monday :) and so I guess i'll actually wear the 2 piece I bought. After that I drove with Pam to the mall to get a father's day present, a frame for my grandmother and a 4th shirt for my 4th bottoms. I got this battle of the bands T-shirt I had looked at when I was shopping with Dena but didn't actually buy because the one I had picked out didn't have a price on it and I was lazy. Anyways, I got my dad some AWESOME stuff! South Park magnets, plus a Cartman antennae topper- also, and the COOLEST thing- BUTTERS DOLL!!!!!! Captain Chaos!!!!!!! I couldn't BELIEVE it when I saw it! I was in line about to buy him this Simpson's BBQ apron that said "oooo flamey" on it, which was okay and not great, when out of the corner of my eye I see it. I gasped and ran over! It was the ONLY one they had, and it was over stuffed in a corner. Thank you SO much Suncoast! Oh yea and when Pam and I were in Spencers this guy behind the counter had one of those air gun things where you can shoot gusts of concentrated air at people- okay so it made us look like a dork when he whapped us with air and we had NO idea where the hell it was coming from. We looked SO stupid. And then he did it again so we could see who did it. It was SO stupid! So after that I dropped Pam off and as I was driving home (this is ALL in the Matrix might I add, and I haven't died yet, so it's a good thing!) this guy leans out of his car at a stoplight and started asking me questions about the car. It was really funny- he wasn't trying to hit on me or anything, he was just asking how it drives and whether it had a lot of room or not. I answered all his questions and told him everything I knew about the car, then the light turned green. Okay so that brings you up to date on my day so far, I think I've got nothing really planned for tonight, maybe i'll call christina (who should be having fun in NJ right now) and see how she's doing. I hope she likes that damn CD player! Okay i might write more tonight, we'll see

-Lara

Alright, the first rant i've had on here for a while. Today was actually an okay day, except for tonight. And i don't know why it got so bad. Maybe the whole friday the 13th bit. But i'm seriously about to shoot someone. Okay, trust? Yea, to all of you reading this, i DON'T wanna hear shit from you that you don't believe. If you don't think i'm a good person, DON'T tell me that I am. If you don't think i'm pretty DON'T tell me i'm hot. I just can't stand when people tell me what they think I want to hear. Because what the HELL does that help?! Nothing. It only makes me break down at some point and not be able to really trust anyone because for all I know EVERYONE'S just telling me what I want to hear. So Dena's father was giving me a ride home tonight, and we started talking about roommates for college. From there I was like "man, I'd rip the head off my roommate if she was a musical theatre major, I just really don't mesh well with people like me..." so we started talking about what exactly "people like me" meant. Okay, so, I'm a huge diva, that pushes things way too much, and I have a huge mouth. I fight constantly, I'm extremely competitive (and not the GOOD kind of competitive) and yes, of course, I'm dillusional as well. So I hear this from a certain group of people- and i'm not mad! honestly! I mean it was kind of a wakeup call. But then I get home and I realize that all my other friends are like "lara you're the best blah blah blah you're so great we're gonna miss you so much." Okay, so wtf?! WHO'S LYING. You know, this is horribly out of line, and I said I wasn't gonna do this, and I know this might just make everything stupid again but I miss Bill because he always told me the truth. I could TRUST him. Okay that's all I'm going to say about bill. I don't have many people that I can actually trust fully. I'm sure i'm just paranoid and that it's me not the world that's gone insane, but GODDAMMIT. And I don't know what I want. Honestly, i don't. Because I talk to people about this- look, i'm writing it on my journal. But I'm not doing it for attention! it won't help me in the least for people to comment saying that they think i'm a lovely person or whatever, because i know people will think of that- but i don't think you guys really mean it. I mean, take a second, think, do you REALLY think i'm a good person? okay, if you still do, i don't know what's wrong with you. I'm pretty fucked up and mean. And I push things too much. And I can never leave things alone. And yes, I have a HUGE fucking ego that a duck could feel from a mile away. Anything else wrong with me that I forgot? Please leave a comment. I'm going to cry. Why do I feel so helpless? I wanna just run into a corner and disappear. gone, poof. And of course Christina is leaving tomorrow morning for beach week so I can't talk to her at all about this. What is wrong with me? Why am I so paranoid? Why am I writing this for everyone to read? I'm sure you think it's for attention. It's not for attention. Well, maybe subconciously it is, but conciously i'm NOt doing it for attention. I don't want attention. I want everyone to tell me the truth. The truth. Maybe leave an anonymous comment, i don't know if you can do that. If you think I'm a horrible person, then tell me. I really really need to know. Then maybe I can trust the people who actually think i'm a good person. I just need to type, to write. I feel fat. And my stomach hurts. And I feel unworthy and unloved, and doesn't this happen to me monthly? Hah, and NO it's not related to that other monthly thing, sorry- that would be a rather nice excuse however. Maybe it's stress. I do have a flute recital coming up. And father's day. And I want my car back. And i don't wanna die in the Matrix. And I don't wanna spend any more money. And i don't wanna do anything but just lay. I just want to stay in one place. But what would i do there? nothing. I'm in a corner i'm stuck. I'm paralized I can't get out. I've reached a peak here. I used to be able to distract myself from this void and nothingness feeling by going out with people, by spending money. I'm tired of that now, it doesn't work anymore. I just don't wanna do anything any more. i don't wanna exert any more energy for anything. And thank you to all my friends out there who actually care about me and soforth...but i don't know how you deal with me! I'm an ugly paranoid diva piece of shit. And that's really what I believe. Or do I believe that? That's what I feel like right now. Is anyone ACTUALLY continuing to read this?! See that's how fickle people are. I bet you they see that this is a really long entry, so they skip over it. I do it too. Do I expect any more out of people? of course I don't. But then i want to expect more out of myself than out of other people. Why the hell is this world so fucking confusing? i feel like i'm going around in circles. And it's not my fault, IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!! I can't HELP THIS. Obviously if I could help it i wouldn't be IN IT. I want to sit. And lay down. And sleep. For maybe a day or so. But I can't. Too much to do. Get present for grandmother get present for father drive death car around and try not to stall out in the middle of the intersection go to flute recital go to gym so i actually WEAR the two piece I got although i'll probly chicken out anyway and not wear it because i'm too fat for the damn thing and do something for my mother which i don't even know and send out thank you cards and send off pictures to be developed and scan thing for Janese and don't forget to take food for her and make sure the car gets to Chip's and pack for camping and- oh my GOD can things just STOP FOR A SECOND. And on top of ALL this I still deal with the fact that someone who was once as close as Christina and Pam to me is not talking to me for some unknown reason. Okay maybe you understand a LITTLE more as to why i'm going fucking NUTS here. I'm stopping. I'm going to bed. Good night. God i'm going to cry

okay, so my parents got a new 2004 Toyota Matrix. Let me explain. The 2003 (used) Toyota Matrix had an electrical problem so we took it back and got a brand spankin new one. I drove it home. Umm....it's a manual. I really don't like manuals. Like this sucks ass because i'm not horrible at driving them but i definitely do NOT like the whole rolling back at stop lights bit. NO NO NO. So I was kind of freaked out about the car at this stoplight, and when it turned green I pressed on the gas too quickly....and the wheels did this weird spinny thingy and then screeched really REALLY loud. My father wasn't too pleased with that move. I can't parallel park worth SHIT either. So much so that when I got it home I just got out of the car and went inside. Heh. I think i'll be sticking to my lovely automatic thank-you-very-much. Except for the fact that my little baby Disco Fever is gonna be in the shop for a while. But THAT'S okay because i'm going CAMPING!!!! wooooooooooo!!!! With my new outfits and bathing suit! This is going to be so much fun. Yayfor Lara and her new clothes. Alright i'm really tired and it's almost midnight. Hmph. I should be sound asleep. Yea RIGHT like that's going to happen. I'll write more tomorrow.

-Lara

SHOPPING WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!! I spent 200 dollars. Today. On clothes and a bear. The bear is really cute too- it's wearing a hawaiian shirt and some sunglasses. So, the outfits. They are SO cute! Okay, i'll describe all the outfits for you. Okay, first outfit- the sexy one. Dark jean skirt that goes down to the knee but has slits up the front where both legs are. The shirt is TOTALLY Cara Rogers. It's a halter that ties in the front (and the back of course)- maroon. Very nice. Okay second outfit- long khaki skirt with this really cute dark blue shirt. You know those shirts that look like there's another shirt underneath it but there really isn't? Well it's one of those, and the shirt "underneath" is yellow. It's cute. Next outfit- short khaki skirt that kind of flips out at the bottom, it's sooooo cute, and another one of those "two shirt" shirts, only this one's blue with a pastel pink shirt underneath it. The last, well it's not a complete outfit cuz i forgot to buy a shirt for it- just some khaki shorts with a cute belt. And my bathing suit! I got this AWESOME bathing suit- the only 2 piece that i've ever felt comfortable in. It's kind of rainbow-y, but not like in your face colors. It's stripy, and, well, i guess you just have to see it. I got everything from Hetchs (sp?) and for 150.00 because Dena was smart enough to bring those 20% your whole purchase coupons. THANK YOU DENA! she saved me like 35-40 bucks! We ate lunch in the food court, I got my regular strawberry smoothie, and dena got a smoothie and a salad...gooooood lunch. So yea, what a productive day. Oh! I went in to see Jane's courtyard concert today, it was good. I really like her songs. I saw Ms. Krebs and we talked about possible shows for next year. And i'm not going to tell ANYONE about them. NONE of you. but there are some very very good shows, so don't worry- you're in good hands, that's for sure. Okay i'll probly write more tonight, Im going off the wall here, I'm really excited about my outfits :).

-Lara

Today was soooooo busy! I woke up, deposited my 2000 check :) went to the gym, met Mehrnoush for lunch, went to the mall with Phoebe, went to flute lesson and went to counseling. All in ONE DAY. Ka-razy. I went to Pho-95, and holy SHIT is there some really good and really cheap food there! I had Tofu Curry...best stuff ever!!! And my flute recital is Sunday, I've really gotta start practicing for that....hehehe. I went to buildabear workshop with Phoebe today and we got bears named after eachother. Mine's name is Phoebe and it's really cute! We dressed it like eachother (Phoebe bear is wearing some faded jeans and a "best friends T-shirt, and Lara bear is wearing the same shirt with a jean skirt.) And so the summer of spending horrible amounts of money begins. Ah yes, not to mention I will be spending lots of money on fixing my car, which now doesn't go above 25 mph without sputtering and almost cutting out numerous times. Ugh. Just when I thought I was gonna be able to just SPEND on myself. hmph. Oh well. I wore this summer dress that I bought last year today, and it's really big on me now :). I'm down to 145. That's such a good good weight. I really hope I stay here. Maybe even a little lower...but not the way i'm eating now! Tell me to stop eating these damn bagel chips, jeez. Mehrnoush, today was so much fun! Oh, I'm gonna apply to work at Buildabear, just cuz i really enjoy little kids, and I like that place. I think it would be fun to make people do the whole ritual with putting the heart in and stuff. Phoebe and I both put two hearts in each of our bears- one for me and one for her :). It was a really nice trip to the mall we had- we got those sticker pictures done too, it looks SO cute. I'm really gonna miss her next year. I really don't have much else to write about...hmm....I didn't really have time to do anything worth writing about today, just lots of running around. My counseling sessions are going well :) i don't think you really wanna hear all about them tho. Yea. Okay so tomorrow I spend lots of money and I'll report back as to what I got and stuff. This summer is gonna be da SHIT yo!!!

-Lara

mmmm Bucktoothed Bubba. ehem.

I'm so tired. I don't know why i'm not going to bed. Ah yes i remember, because then i won't be able to sleep past nine and i will have nothing to do for a while. I think i'll go to the gym. Which means that I should go to bed now. Okay well then i think i'll go in probly 5 minutes or so. Today was a nice day! Christina and Pam and I went to get Christina's hair highlighted. Ooohhh i can go deposit my checks tomorrow! niiiiiiice. I think i'll do that RIGHT when i get up. 2000 bucks baby, i'm IN THE MONEY. OH yea (said like Duff Man). Good stuff. So yea, graduation is all over with, people are all gone except for my cousin from California who's leaving tomorrow. It's nice to have a quiet house. Christina's highlights look really good- she got this reddish brown color and it looks rather natural. I ate waaaaaayyyyy too much today- hence the gym tomorrow. Need to look good for possible bathing suit shopping....ugh! How I DREAD that. It's the only think I would rather eat squid livers than do. I don't know where I got squid livers. Possibly from Ersin talking about his room smelling like squid. Ersin- WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP, BUTTERCUP BABY JUST TO LET ME DOWN.....yea sorry okay. Now that song's stuck in my head daammmmiiittttttt. So I went around Congressional Plaza a free woman with lots of money...and there was nothing I wanted! And boy did i TRY to spend some money. That shopping center is horrible. Oh well, shopping tomorrow maybe, and thursday. Im so tired. I think i'll go to bed now. But it's only 11!!! ughhhh. Hmmm, my Ithaca orientation is soon. That's some ka-razy shit. At the end of June. I have to take placement exams and stuff. I need to get a wall clock for my dorm. I can't WAIT to decorate my dorm!!! Alright i'm going to bed now, I can't see straight

-Lara

Hey guys i'm getting married! Since we already have a kid and all Mike thought it would be best if we were married. Ya know, separation is no good for small children. So Phoebe and I are going to go out and find rings on Wednesday...either that or go see a movie we haven't decided yet ;). Umm, so yea, supersuave and I are gonna tie the knot. haha, supersuave. If he ever stops living with his parents! Jeez what a dork. And finishes his english project. I could just see it now- "no sirree Michael you cannot get married till you finish that damn paper." Now that would be a shame. Any ideas to make the wedding great? Leave them here. I've already got Christina, Pam and Mara as bridesmaids... :). Yea if this freaks anyone out- just to clue you in a little- IT'S A JOKE. Oh, but Mike and I really do have a kid together. Loonnnggggg story. As Heather put it- "so THAT'S why the sound checks took so long!"

On a different note I got a new address book and I'm trying to get everyone's cell number, so if you have a cell number, and know me, please leave it as a comment :). Thanks

-Lara

I be a gradiated senior! And boy howdy, it's kinda strange. Graduation was nothing compared to the recital last night, but it was a blast. Christina and Pam and I got thousands apon thousands of pictures together, along with like everyone else I know in the senior class. I was the first one to walk out of the room with Mrs. Boucher at the end...I felt special. Thanks to all who came to support me!! (that includes family : ) ). I just gave my url for my blog to my uncle bob in texas, so...uh....no more bad words I guess :). I got sooooo much money and presents and stuff from graduation! i honestly wasn't expecting anything like this! Shoppin shoppin shoppin on thursday. I think i'm gonna buy Mike Barnwell some Armani Cologne. Girls would be alllllll over him then! of course he did say he would kill me if I bought it for him....choices choices choices. Oh, and Barnwell? ehem....shotgun.....ehem. ! S'cuz me, where should I put ma' gun rack? I hope ya don't mind a' brought the bear a' dun shot last week....ya'll just open a window ir somethin....Mmmm, more family is here now. I'm taking a break from it all before I go out to dinner with my Korean Grandmother. She invited Christina! She's officially part of the family now, she's been to Norfolk, Duck, Bayoo Bugaloo, and now the Korean dinner. There's no greater compliment! She's the sister I've always wanted. Well now that graduation is over....there's DEAD SPACE in my schedule. Let me know if you wanna get together. I'm coming to school on Thursday for lunch to see Jane's courtyard concert, then going out shopping. On Friday I've got shakespear performance to attend at Ben Evan's house. Then next week i'm going to see Finding Nemo with Mike. If you wanna do anything let me know! oh and emily! when! call me! okay i've gotta go now, byeeee

-Lara

ha ha HA! RECITAL! was flawless thank the lord I didn't mess up and embarress myself! People got me presents. I didn't know you were supposed to get presents for graduating people...umm...i certainly didn't for anyone else. ehem. ummm, oh well? I have lovely LOVELY flowers now, and thanks to everyone SO SO SO MUCH for coming! I really was surprised at how many people came, it made me feel so good to see that so many people care about me and support me! It wouldn't have been any fun without you all, and I love you to death, and you guys were really a scream! I didn't know what to do between pieces when people clapped, i was like....yea yea okay that's great. Umm...alright you can stop now.....okay you don't want to? alright STOP now please. :) So yea, i'm tired as all get out and need to go to bed because I'M GRADUATING TOMORROW! OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD....!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And i love you ersin you are the best. (as i'm writing this you're telling me the whole "woman" story, just so you understand the context of my thoughts). I don't think I could hope for any better friends then you all, I just want you to know that. I truely am blessed, and don't you forget it!!! :)

-Lara

My fingers are on hyper speed. I just watched Hello dolly, it was great but the sound is really really screwed up for it. I don't know why i am so strung up tonight, I'm giddy and crazy and don't want to go to bed although i really should because of the recital tomorrow. Family came in tonight, my cousin from California, my aunt from Michigan, my uncle from Texas. My cousin made me a quilt!! and it has my name on it and everything. It's really warm i have it wrapped around me right now. I should be excited about tomorrow....ugh. And i guess i am i'm just worried about it. And i think i'm not letting myself be excited. Well i'm going to be. And everyone's gonna be there supporting me and everything and it's going to be great. That's all i'm going to say. I found out that bill doesn't like the publicity our situation is getting. So, I will not henceforth be writing anything about that on here, i would appreciate if you people would not comment on it, and if you really are that interested in finding out the latest happenings you can come to me yourself. I'm sorry, i didn't think this was doing any harm but i'm not trying to make him any more angry than he is so i'm stopping. It's not his fault and it's not mine. Sorry yall, you'll just be hearing the tip of the iceberg from now on, and that's my decision. Stay tuned for news about how the recital went tho!!!

-Lara